Laugh With Us

Battery Low

A new patient got hearing aids where the low battery warning is a verbal “battery low” warning. The patient is a physician and was seeing a patient when he heard “battery low” in his ear, and he turned to his patient and asked, “Did you just say ‘battery low’?”

Confused, his patient replied, “no.” Several minutes later, the doctor again heard “battery low” in his ear and again asked his patient, “Are you hearing someone say battery low?”

Later that day when his hearing aids shut off, he realized that it was his low battery warning and not his patient.

-contributed by Dr. Ashley St. Peter

Make a Left

A patient came in for a hearing test with her husband. She said that she knows it’s time to get help for her hearing because she keeps hearing the wrong thing. She had recently picked up her husband from the train station and they were on their way to work out. She was driving and her husband said “Lets go ahead and make a left right here.” She responded “What did you just say?”

The husband repeated himself and she heard him correctly this time. She said, “Oh my goodness. I thought you said, ‘let’s make love right here!'”

-contributed by Dr. Ashley St. Peter

The Follower

A patient went home after she was fit with new hearing aids. As soon as she walks up to her front door, she notices that she is being followed. She quickly goes in the house, and still hears the sounds of someone following her.

She quickly leaves her house and goes to her neighbor’s house. Her neighbor investigates the house, but does not find anybody there. The neighbor comes back over with the patient, and she hears footsteps again every time she moves.

It was then that they discovered the problem: it was her high heel shoes on the hardwood flooring!

-contributed by Dr. Robert Risley

 

Wednesdays are free

A patient kept hearing music in his hearing aids in his bedroom. He does not hear it anywhere else.

When he told us about the problem, we had him borrow a separate set of hearing aids: he still heard the music. His wife listened to the aids at the same spot: she did not hear any music.

The patient gets his hearing aids back: he hears the music again. I asked him what kind of music he’s been hearing, and he said that the music is the “It’s a Small World” song from Disney World. I talk to him about phantom music (musical hallucinations) and ask him if he ever worked for Disney World.

After explaining phantom music to the patient, he states: “I have Wednesdays free.”
I asked “for what?”
He said “for a psychiatrist.”

-contributed by Dr. Robert Risley

One Night Stand

A patient went to a gentleman caller’s home and didn’t want him to know she wore hearing aids, so she decided to leave her hearing aids in all night.

She stopped by the office the next day, when all the moisture and humidity from wearing her hearing aids all night caused them to stop working. She purchased a Dry and Store that day, so that she wouldn’t have the same problem again!

-contributed by Dr. Robert Risley

 

Let’s have a beer!

Thirsty

Speak into my good ear!

Good Ear

You need a hearing test!

Hairy Chest

Can You Hear Me Now?

Can You Hear Me Now?

Three Problems

Three Problems

Dogshaming!

3.16 Dogshaming

Smart Knees

Bill and his wife were spending a day at the beach, enjoying a simple packed lunch of crackers, cheese, and fruit.
A hungry seagull came begging, cocking its head to and fro, carefully eyeing the couple and waiting for a handout. Bill was going to toss a cracker to the bird but his wife stopped him. “Are you crazy?” she asked him. “We’ll be engulfed in seagulls before we can get our hand out of the box,” she admonished him.
Chuckling at his lack of foresight, Bill sheepishly asked her, “am I an easy mark?”
Now it was her turn to chuckle at herself. She said, “Tell me again what you said, because I know for sure you didn’t say what I thought you said.”
“So, what did you think I said?” Bill asked her.
“Are my knees smart?”

I can’t take this anymore!

Annette was recently hospitalized for a contagious illness. As she started to feel better, she needed clearance from her doctor to socialize with family and friends again.

When her doctor gave her his update, Annette blurted out, “What do you mean, you ‘can’t take this anymore’?! You’re not the one who’s been sick and cooped up for five weeks! I ‘can’t take this anymore!’”
The doctor was startled, then laughed and repeated, “Annette, you’re ‘not contagious anymore!’”

Pig Sale

Husband: What are you doing after we leave here today, honey?
Wife: Jeannie and I are going to a big sale.
Husband:Why do you want one of those?
Wife:One of what?
Husband:A pig.
Wife:I’m not going to buy a pig!
Husband:Then why are you going to the sale?
Wife:To buy a dress.
Husband:For a pig?!

Pastries

A woman who had trouble hearing ordered a pastry at a coffee counter. “Would you like me to heat it for you?” the attendant politely asked.

The attendant was startled by the glare the customer gave him as she backed away and said, “What makes you think I’m not capable of eating it myself?”

Watch Batteries

A friend of mine asked me if I liked battery-powered watches better than the old ones that ticked.

Watches ticked?

Trapeze Artist

I know a man with hearing problems who has the grip of a trapeze artist.

Naturally, he hangs on to your every word!

Better to misplace

It’s better to misplace a hearing aid than a pair of glasses.

You don’t have to be wearing the hearing aid in order to find it!

My Voicemail

My voicemail has adjusted itself to my hearing problem. After you leave a message, it says, “Would you mind repeating that?”