Jokes

Smart Knees

Bill and his wife were spending a day at the beach, enjoying a simple packed lunch of crackers, cheese, and fruit.
Photo of Hearing Health Center seagullsA hungry seagull came begging, cocking its head to and fro, carefully eyeing the couple and waiting for a handout. Bill was going to toss a cracker to the bird but his wife stopped him. “Are you crazy?” she asked him. “We’ll be engulfed in seagulls before we can get our hand out of the box,” she admonished him.
Chuckling at his lack of foresight, Bill sheepishly asked her, “am I an easy mark?”
Now it was her turn to chuckle at herself. She said, “Tell me again what you said, because I know for sure you didn’t say what I thought you said.”
“So, what did you think I said?” Bill asked her.
“Are my knees smart?”

I can’t take this anymore!

Photo of Hearing Health Center a sick woman sneezingAnnette was recently hospitalized for a contagious illness. As she started to feel better, she needed clearance from her doctor to socialize with family and friends again.

When her doctor gave her his update, Annette blurted out, “What do you mean, you ‘can’t take this anymore’?! You’re not the one who’s been sick and cooped up for five weeks! I ‘can’t take this anymore!’”
The doctor was startled, then laughed and repeated, “Annette, you’re ‘not contagious anymore!’”

Pig Sale

Husband: What are you doing after we leave here today, honey?
Wife: Jeannie and I are going to a big sale.
Husband:Why do you want one of those?
Wife:One of what?
Husband:A pig.
Wife:I’m not going to buy a pig!
Husband:Then why are you going to the sale?
Wife:To buy a dress.
Husband:For a pig?!

Pastries

Photo of Hearing Health Center audiologist x bakeryA woman who had trouble hearing ordered a pastry at a coffee counter. “Would you like me to heat it for you?” the attendant politely asked.

The attendant was startled by the glare the customer gave him as she backed away and said, “What makes you think I’m not capable of eating it myself?”

Trapeze Artist

I know a man with hearing problems who has the grip of a trapeze artist.

Naturally, he hangs on to your every word!

Better to misplace

It’s better to misplace a hearing aid than a pair of glasses.

You don’t have to be wearing the hearing aid in order to find it!

My Voicemail

My voicemail has adjusted itself to my hearing problem. After you leave a message, it says, “Would you mind repeating that?”